Mucking About with...Headlines

This is something I made up. Me. I did it. Don't steal it. It works like this: I look at a headline and try to guess what the story is actually about. I created this. Again, don't steal it.

Obese people may collapse more in heat

As the whiskey in our collective thermometers rises with the summer months, there is an oft overlooked danger on the streets.

"Heatstroke is a real menace," said Dr. Menelaus Menses. "People are passing out every day: the young, the old, the infirm, and especially the obese. This last group is the one we should worry most about."

In an average non-summer month, an obese person will collapse 3 times. During the summer, that number quadruples to 36.

"It's a danger. These 'tugboats,' as they like to be known, are collapsing all over the place. Every 5 seconds, an obese person collapses. Our hospitals are filling up." Dr. Menses also wanted to set straight some rumors concerning the 'tugboat' appellation: "These people do not float, and only a small minority finds them fit for a tug."

The obese's extra weight is, "like wearing three snowsuits while sitting in a microwave," Dr. Menses told us. "Together, with the other problems the obese face, such as hypertension, diabetes, and the increasing difficulty in procuring children to eat, I'm surprised anyone is fat anymore."

An obese is defined as a man or woman(no trannies) who weighs at least 636 lbs. Like all of us, they play sports and are allergic to cat hair, but unlike us, their sweat shoots out of their pores like a clicking sprinkler, and they fall down really hard. Dr. Menses told us, "The bigger they are, the farther[sic] they fall." These fallings are crippling the non-obese at a rapid pace.

"Yesterday, I treated seven normal people who had been injured by this increase in obese collapses," Dr. Menses told us while visibly erect. "I lost two of them. This is getting out of hand."

36.4% of tugboat falls hurts a non-tugboat. Ways to prevent injury include: drinking fluids, wearing sneakers with fresh treads or those sneakers with wheels in the heels that kids are zipping around the mall with crazy bastards, not bathing in bacon grease, and staying out of the shade, as what you think is a tree may be an obese person with eczema.

Ways to prevent obesity include: not eating.