BfN Proverb

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach man to use the internet, he will not bother you for a week.

Jobs I Want

Sitting here at my desk, I often fantasize about other jobs. No, not the usual blow and hand, but other jobs, REAL jobs. I've decided to compile them, because putting my thoughts into words gives me a little more hope, and hope is like crack for the sub-conscious.

1) Writer: For this to ever happen, I'd probably have to find a wealthy widow who is lonely and blind to support me. Subcategories would be:
A) Novel writer: My goal in life has been to write a great English language novel. So far, I just have a couple short stories about prostitutes and some short-short stories about erections. Some day, though, some day...
B) Script writer: This seems a lot easier than writing a novel, though the conventions are a bit more rigid. It seems that no one writes a script on their own anymore, so I'd only have to do half or a third or an eighth of the work.
- Sitcoms: I would totally be awesome at this. I could definitely write a funnier show than a lot of the crap on TV today. Have you ever seen "Two and a Half Men"? How is that shit still on the air? The neurotic guy is too neurotic, the fat kid is too fat, and Charlie Sheen forgot how to act. It's like he's just there to say his lines, colect a paycheck, and bang the caterers. Lucky bastard.
- Action movies: The key to a great action movie is a dumb plot, and I have tons of dumb plots just lying around in my brain. Whether its time-traveling water-skiers, Mafia samurai klansmen, or a middle-aged waitress who has to go back to high school to stop a nuclear explosion which would open a gateway to another dimension populated with Mario Lopezes, if you want it, I've thought of it, and I will write it for a fee.
C) Poet: If I've learned anything from TV, it is that pretty girls like a guy who can write poetry. All he's gotta do is write some lines about love being like the ocean he will drown her in, and soon enough his electric eel will be swimmming in her murky depths. And also, metaphor is fun.
D) Video Game Writer: I think it would be cool to write the dialogue to a video game. Not like GTA or those games where they have voice actors. I'd rather write the text boxes, because you can be as wacky as you want("I feel asleep!"), and people will always blame it on a bad translation. This leads me into my next fantasy occupation...

2) Video Game Tester: I know this would probably become a tedious job after a year or two, but it always seems like an awesome idea whenever I'm organizing a file at work and get the urge to play some Nintendo DS. Imagine being paid to just sit around and play the new Madden. It would be like college with a salary and without getting laid.

3) Tertiary Rock Star: None of that superstar stuff for me. I'd much rather be some independent and highly respected musician with a small and insanely loyal fan base. No tabloid photographers following me around, just girls with low self-esteem. This would require the most work, though, with having to actually become fairly adequate at playing guitar or piano or accordian, so the odds are obviously stacked against me.

4) Any job where I could get DVDs cheap or free: You know how some women buy shoes on impulse constantly, letting them just pile up, unworn and neglected? That's how I am with cheap DVDs. I probably have at least 20 that I still haven't opened, and another 20 I have opened but haven't watched. Any job giving me access to cheaper DVDs and/or freebies would feed my habit immensely and help with that void in my heart that only Golan and Globus can fill.

No No No torious
check it
me am a great king of guy
I ate your face like a small fry
they call me shy guy down at the local white castle
Cause when young girls come in I always give hassle
forget about snot I ate it last Thursday
told you to die in your sleep on your 15th birthday
Got vegetables growing in the skin
Watched next of kin while giving away my atm pin
the numbers are simple, try it you self
1-800 I just poorly manufactured a shelf
fed it to the dogs after following my digestion,
I got protection from the erection that should've gave your moms a c section
that some shit from robin hood prince of thieves
I bend over Chris reeve and hit him from behind cause that's what he needs
I bleed all over the carcass, till I proclaimed the fartest
tasted the insides they were the tartest

It's a Wonderful Blog

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOVIE HOUSE!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EMPORIUM!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU WONDERFUL OLD BUILDING AND LOAN!

If I could...

If I could be Steven Seagal,
I'd never run, I'd only brawl
and break some arms and play guitar,
and flip some dudes onto a car.

If I could Chuck Norris be,
I'd love a fight and our country.
I'd use a gun, but wouldn't need it:
A roundhouse kick's my lethal secret.

If I could be Mike Dudikoff
I'd be happy knowing I'm Michael
f'n Dudikoff and I don't need any rhymes.
I was the American Ninja for Christ's sake,
and I'll break the form and rhythm of
this poem, like the necks of innumerable
faceless ninja, because that's how much
goddamn charisma I have.

If I could be Charles Bronson, boy,
I dare you, name who could destroy
me. They'd see my gun and run from me,
to butcher my current family.

Lines

I like to ride passenger in the car. It gives me more time to think. I also like to watch the lines on the road. The only problem with this is that every time I try, I end up banging my head against the window. I contemplated rolling the window down once, however, it was much too cold out. I don't know what it is about those lines, it just intrigues me. Occasionally, if I'm lucky, I am privileged enough to see the dashed lines. I like them, I tend to create rhythms in my head that will coincide with the breaks in the line. I've seen the yellow lines before. It was a little on the short side though. I sometimes pretend that the white lines are yellow; it takes me to a happy place. A time when I really did see those yellow lines.
Did you ever notice that some roads, it seems, are paved perpendicular to the flow of traffic. It creates such an exhilarating beat.

ba-bump . . . ba-bump . . . ba-bump . . . ba-bump

It didn't take long before I realized that I shouldn't press my face upon glass to view the lines in these areas. I'll probably have this bruise for the rest of my life. But it was worth it, very well worth it.

Counting

If I were blind, I would count every step,
know how many taps on the tile floor
it would take to get to the cafeteria,
and on the way back to turn right on the
15th, and then left on the 3rd after that.

I wouldn't have this job, though. I'd be
somewhere else, tabulating my footsteps
from the couch to the kitchen, or using
flicks of my tongue as tick marks,
each a tooth in my head.

When you'd pick me up, when your hand
would lead mine down the 3 concrete steps
which introduce my front door, perhaps grab
my elbow to support me(beautiful sympathy),
and when you would
guide me down the brick walkway and asphalt
driveway to your car, 14 clacks and
16 muffled strides,
I would pretend I hadn't counted.

If I were blind, I would be a spreadsheet.

Keyword

Someone found this site today after searching at Google for "Ricky Davis Signature Pony Shoes." I'm sure he(I'm assuming it's a he) left dissatisfied.

WWYRD: A Game

Here's a game I designed specifically for this blog. I made it up, and anyone who says he or she has played this before is a dirty liar. The initials in the title stand for "Who Would You Rather Do?" It's based on the famous acronym WWJD, which stands for "Who Would Jesus Do?" It's a fun game, where two choices are given, usually celebrities, and you have to choose who you'd rather do. You then take your choice and pair it with another celebrity, and the next person has to choose who he/she would rather do, and so on forever. Scientifically, we would eventually land on the most desirable person possible.

But we're not going to do that. That's not very interesting. What IS interesting, would be going the opposite way: "Who Would You Rather Not Do?" So, I would choose two people, then the first person who wants to play would use the comments section to choose who they would rather not do, then replacing the person not chosen with a new choice. Listing brief reasons why you chose how you chose would make it fun too. This way, we would find out the least desirable person ever, and everyone knows ugliness is much more interesting than beauty. Please note that I am using the word "person," meaning of either sex. No sexism here. Fictional characters work too, as does specifying a person in a certain time period.

I'll start off lightly. The first two choices are:

Roseanne or Oprah?

Remember: Who would you rather NOT do?

(Note: I know this isn't going to go anywhere, but I wanted to post and couldn't think of anything else.)