Jobs I Want

Sitting here at my desk, I often fantasize about other jobs. No, not the usual blow and hand, but other jobs, REAL jobs. I've decided to compile them, because putting my thoughts into words gives me a little more hope, and hope is like crack for the sub-conscious.

1) Writer: For this to ever happen, I'd probably have to find a wealthy widow who is lonely and blind to support me. Subcategories would be:
A) Novel writer: My goal in life has been to write a great English language novel. So far, I just have a couple short stories about prostitutes and some short-short stories about erections. Some day, though, some day...
B) Script writer: This seems a lot easier than writing a novel, though the conventions are a bit more rigid. It seems that no one writes a script on their own anymore, so I'd only have to do half or a third or an eighth of the work.
- Sitcoms: I would totally be awesome at this. I could definitely write a funnier show than a lot of the crap on TV today. Have you ever seen "Two and a Half Men"? How is that shit still on the air? The neurotic guy is too neurotic, the fat kid is too fat, and Charlie Sheen forgot how to act. It's like he's just there to say his lines, colect a paycheck, and bang the caterers. Lucky bastard.
- Action movies: The key to a great action movie is a dumb plot, and I have tons of dumb plots just lying around in my brain. Whether its time-traveling water-skiers, Mafia samurai klansmen, or a middle-aged waitress who has to go back to high school to stop a nuclear explosion which would open a gateway to another dimension populated with Mario Lopezes, if you want it, I've thought of it, and I will write it for a fee.
C) Poet: If I've learned anything from TV, it is that pretty girls like a guy who can write poetry. All he's gotta do is write some lines about love being like the ocean he will drown her in, and soon enough his electric eel will be swimmming in her murky depths. And also, metaphor is fun.
D) Video Game Writer: I think it would be cool to write the dialogue to a video game. Not like GTA or those games where they have voice actors. I'd rather write the text boxes, because you can be as wacky as you want("I feel asleep!"), and people will always blame it on a bad translation. This leads me into my next fantasy occupation...

2) Video Game Tester: I know this would probably become a tedious job after a year or two, but it always seems like an awesome idea whenever I'm organizing a file at work and get the urge to play some Nintendo DS. Imagine being paid to just sit around and play the new Madden. It would be like college with a salary and without getting laid.

3) Tertiary Rock Star: None of that superstar stuff for me. I'd much rather be some independent and highly respected musician with a small and insanely loyal fan base. No tabloid photographers following me around, just girls with low self-esteem. This would require the most work, though, with having to actually become fairly adequate at playing guitar or piano or accordian, so the odds are obviously stacked against me.

4) Any job where I could get DVDs cheap or free: You know how some women buy shoes on impulse constantly, letting them just pile up, unworn and neglected? That's how I am with cheap DVDs. I probably have at least 20 that I still haven't opened, and another 20 I have opened but haven't watched. Any job giving me access to cheaper DVDs and/or freebies would feed my habit immensely and help with that void in my heart that only Golan and Globus can fill.