Blow Me Where the Pampers Is

Going through old posts, I read one I wrote called Jobs I Want in which loud-video-game-hater Angelatee commented:

Vanderbilt, seems to me you need to start sleeping with the right people.

This got me thinking: Who would be the right person to sleep with? Depends on your goals, you might say. To put it as simply as it can be put, my goal is to be a writer. It would follow, then, that I should start sleeping with editors and owners of publishing companies. But, after more analysis, I found that things were a little more complicated. Editors are nice and all, but there's a conflict of interest there. What if we had an argument, and my editor/lover just decided to strike-through all of my proper nouns? I had to redefine my goal. To put it as exact as it can be put, my goal is to not have to work a 9-5 job, and to be able to sit around and think and write as much as I want without having to worry about financial matters. Therefore, I should start sleeping with disgustingly rich, elderly women.

This presents new questions, however: Where does one meet rich old women? Is there a club they frequent to drink soup and share denture stock tips? How does one begin a relationship with a rich old woman? Do they appreciate flowers? Do I have to learn how to play bridge? Also, there's the whole physical aspect, which at this moment is unthinkable to me. But, as a wise man once said, "To achieve the unthinkable - the unbelievable - it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought." Wait, did I just say 'wise man'? I meant 'fucking moron.'

Also, I hate Charles Lindburgh.

Actually, it might not be that bad. I never really had a grandma, so I wouldn't really have crazy issues. Plus, it would be a new experience, thus giving me tons more stuff to write about. Maybe a Harry Potter-type epic series, but where the young hero has to have lots of sex with a geriatric witch. Wild, magical, vomit-inducing sex. I'd read that, and I'm sure you would, too.

My final problem is more psychological: Will I be able to just jump into a relationship with an old lady? I figure she would have to be 70-80ish if I'm going to really profit from this without wasting too much of my life. I just need to get in, do my thing, live it up, get in the will, and nature will take care of the rest, as long as science doesn't fuck it up for me. So, I'm thinking I should take my time. The only solution I can find to this is to slowly immerse myself into older woman culture. So, if there are any rich 30ish year-old women out there who want to help me out, maybe show me how to crochet, or how to take advantage of a clothing sale, please let me know. And you 40-somethings out there, don't be discouraged. I'll get to you sometime in August.