a lost gem

I came back from the lab and sat down to eat my dinner. After flipping the channels furiously I finally settled on watching the last 15 minutes of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. I will provide some insight into these last minutes, but before I start let me mention a couple of things about what this movie means to me.

Vanderbilt is an asshole. He didn't invite to his movie birthday party in which he and a number of his friends watched Bogus Journey in theaters. It would have been cool if it was just like three or four of his closest friends, but if my memory serves me correctly, is was a shitload of random peeps. It was people who had invited him to their birthday party, and even acquaintances, but no I wasn't invited.

Also, the first time I saw this movie, it was on channel 11. It was the Sunday afternoon movie. My parents weren't home and I don't think I discovered jerking off yet, so I was pretty entertained. I recall eating popcorn and drinking soda. This movie infatuated me. I was satisfied when it was done.

Anyway, today I decide to watch it, and what do you know, the good Robot us's are on the scene. Yes, if you remember correctly we must mention robot versions of Bill and Ted in the context of good and evil, because the real Bill and Ted were killed by bad robot versions of themselves. With the help of midgets who look like scrotums, they build good robots out of common products one may find in a hardware store. How did they build with their short arms? Why would they help Bill and Ted? Really? If they were so advanced, why could they only speak one word? (station), which is also both their names? We are left in the dark with these questions.

Anyway, Death otherwise known as the grim reaper has accompanied our friends under some ridiculous circumstances. Death has a German accent (maybe), and loves to make little jokes and pop culture references. He's so cute. Wait wait wait... death isn't supposed to be cute... The five of them (station (2), bill and Ted (2), death (1), and the good robot us's walk into the San Demos battle of the bands, Which totally rocks by the way, by any times standards!

The bad robot us's, the ones who allowed our hero's to meet death, are somewhat shocked at the real Bill and Ted's entrance and say something like DUDE!. The thing is, you really can't tell them apart. Its funny, can people who say dude, and that rocks be evil? This is problematic in many ways.

The real Bill and Ted announce that they have arrived to save the day and proceed to use their 'joy sticks' haha to decapitate the evil robot us's with the good robot us's. This is really complicated so bear with me. The bad robot us's do not resist. They should considering they supposedly nefarious. They have 'the babes' (some broads the dog shit duo (what I will describe the real Bill and Ted as from now on) picked up in the middle ages) (Geographically you know where I'm talking about when I say middle ages) ... Ok ok so they have the babes tied up to rafters of the place, and claim they will kill them at the end of their purposely shitty number. Genius. However, they do not struggle when their enemies come back and use the good robot us's to kill them. They say bye to each other in their dude like ways, and the good robot us's decapitate the bad robot us's.

There are fireworks, the crowd is pleased, and the heads of the bad robot us's land in the dog shit duo's arms. They have saved the day, right? If you think that's it, you need a reality check dude. The boss character, (excuse my video games jargon), comes out of the famed phone booth. He's also probably German, is dressed in black, and has a gun that looks like it was purchased in KayBee. He states his name, like a true gangsta, and then uses a remote control to actually get the attention of the whole 'universe'. We see a worthless sequence in which purple electricity goes through satellite dishes. I am now a believer.

This is when we take a turn for the worse. An obligatory shot of people around the world is necessary, so we know that this shit is really international. Up First, is a scumbag, hairy, unshaven, fat Italian man in a wife beater watching to what we can assume to be a soccer game. He tries to change the channel, but no he can't. This 'melvin' has taken control of all tv, everywhere. He could read, or jerk off or something, but he chooses to keep on watching. Next we go the England where the prim and proper shitfaced family is drinking tea at the breakfast table or some shit. They all simultaneously say 'my word'. Is this really the United States' pop culture's view of the British? Shit, that's garbage. Then in a typical stereotype not given much play anymore, we visit China. In a bar or gambling den, old surly Chinese men bet their life fortunes on the role of the dice. They even have the nerve to give one of the men a farmer's hat.

We return to the gym. This guy is talking shit. Some nonsense. He won't shoot his gun, and we know it, but shit it's pointed right at the dog shit duo. What will they do? They have a conference. They agree to escape, but they don't say how. There is a toy gun pointed right at them, you would think they might respect it, but they anger the German even more. Instead of just leaving in the phone both to escape danger, they decide to go back in time and set up a dropping sandbag. A motherfuckn sandbag that falls at that moment and knocks the gun out of the German's hand. Instead of just picking it up, he stands there with his dick out, vulnerable to attack. As they discuss what they will do next, magically a cage falls on the German's head.

So in this scene the dog shit duo are in the present and they are describing what they will do when they use the phone booth. Man, this logic is more fucked up than Back to the Future. Well, as they contemplate what they will do to beat this gypsy, it just so happens, they are experts at timeing this shit perfectly. I never understood this when I first watched it, and I still don't. If you have any theories please let me know immediately.

The German claims he can manipulate time as well. He gets a key for the cage and another gun. Silly German! He forgets that Bill and Ted are 'the men' and will come up on top. So they fuck with the dude. Instead of having a toy gun that shoots lasers or some shit, a flag that says Wild Stallions rule pops out. Hilarious. Ted's father handcuffs the fiend and we are all good, but not before death, that daffy bastard, gives the German a huge weggie. He is labeled a melvin and figuratively shit on.

The next shit is the shit that really pisses me off. When the German gets over the shock of being humiliated on world wide TV, he smiles. He liked the wedgie. Logic says he likes things up his ass. The villain is not only a scumbag, and evil, but gay too. Fucking hilarious, really. The fucked up thing is death has undoubtedly dabbled in homosexuality himself, and here he is ostracizing the German because he likes wedgies. Tisk tisk.

Some insignificant shit happens, and then they decide to 'get good' by traveling back to the middle ages and practicing guitar. Wait wait wait... where did they plug their electric guitars into? They did have Station though. They come back to the present with ridiculous mustaches and beards, the type a man might spend a life time growing. Lucky Bastards. They introduce their band, death spits a rhyme: 'whether you are a king or a little street sweeper, you know you got a date with the reaper'. His nick name should be the cerebral assasian.

The dog shit duo had twins that were conceived at the same time during the duration of a 'mediaeval honeymoon' They practiced for 16 months, and for what, so they could play GOD GAVE ROCK AND ROLL TO YOU, considered by most to be a shitty power/monster ballad by a garbage band. Everyone loves it, because everyone is still watching internationally. Practiced for so long, and this is it? The British family loves it though. The reserved, conservative, prim and proper Brits are dancing to it. Shiiiit.... The Asian guy gives the other Asian guy a high five.

It is clear they are not actually singing this song. The message hits home with all. God did give rock and roll to us, and everyone.

The credits start rolling... wow that was some ride. Wait, wait, we get to see the future even though it didn't' t happen yet. Apparently, the dog shit duo become Sportsmen of the year, and take roles in world history that they could never have imagined growing up in San Demos. They cure the problems of the middle east (whatever that happens to be at the time) by simply going there. When the dog shit duo goes to the Midwest, agricultural production goes up 30 percent. There is a string of these events, which are obviously just correlation not causation, such as causing the Dow to drop because of break up rumors. Not only do they use the world's atomic bomb supply to fuel their amplifier, but they cure pollution with air guitars. Heavy stuff. The one I didn't understand was about death winning the Indy 500. The headline is a quote by death saying 'I didn't know I could run that fast'. Totally out of context. And finally like a real American story, technology improves and Bill and Ted play on Mars. Utter trash. Through this we are subjected to hearing a tall tale about the origins of rock and roll. Ya know, how god gave rock and roll to us, and everyone.

Needless to say, my reaction to this was WOWSERS! Really stupid shit. Surreal, and thus entertaining. I'm glad I could share this experience with others, and fuck you Vanderbilt for not inviting me.