In case you haven't heard yet, let me let you in on the big news: Happiness is a myth. It's true. Recently, a group of scientists at the University of France stumbled upon this truth* while working on HIV medication. I don't know much science talk, but supposedly the proof was in the protease.
This news has shed some light on many things concerning happiness. For one, it turns out love is also a lie, perpetuated by knotty old men in cloaks and hoods wearing heart-shaped pendants, with last names like Hallmark, Spielberg, and Hitler. That feeling of affection you get when you think about that "someone special?" It's bullshit, don't trust it. It's just a mix of lust and starches. I had a feeling this was the case, as many of my previous experiences had hinted at the fallacy of love(I'm looking at you, Carl Weathers), but I still held out some hope. This only crushed my hope and confirmed my fears. Thank you, scientists, you heartless bastards.
Also, the ramifications of this breakthrough extend to the work place. Using a solar-powered calculator and a tricked-out Gameboy Color, it can now be proven without a doubt that you will never find the perfect job. Been wanting to be a pediatrician all your life? You'll hate it. Think you'd be happier if you just got that promotion? Nope, you'll still be miserable. "Why work, then?" you may ask. Well, it turns out the equation also proves that you will be equally unhappy without a job, with your stress(variable s) being replaced with a feeling of uselessness(variable nes). Now, whenever someone tells you that he/she "loves" his/her job, you can say without hesitation, "You are a lying bitch."(In an unrelated experiment, Swedish scientists have concluded that 'bitch' can be effectively used on either gender)
Am I happy about this news? Of course not. But I suppose knowing the truth is better than living a lie, right? Actually, no, it's not. I think I'll start doing drugs.
*Other minor findings: your childhood pet was not sent to a farm, your parents resent you for ruining their sex-lives, you will never be the best at anything, and your girlfriend is still attracted to other men.
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