The sun is warm on your face, accompanied by a cool wind that makes you smile. It is Thursday, your lunch hour, and the bright day makes you forget the tie around your neck. Suddenly, you are bumped out of your ecstasy from behind. You turn to see an attractive young woman before you, her eyes lowered in embarrassment, her lips whispering "excuse me." You have a choice.
Do you step aside and let her pass? Or do you try to strike up a conversation?
As you watch her walk down the street away from you, you curse yourself for your cowardice. While you plan on which of your toes you should hit with a hammer as penance, a co-worker, Giuseppe, taps you on the shoulder. He says that "some of the guys" are going to happy hour tonight, and wonders if you'd care to come along.
Do you take him up on his offer? Or do you offer a lame excuse because of your social anxiety?
You thank him for the invitation, but tell him that you have "a lot" to do tonight. "Big plans. Like, tons of stuff." He nods and just stands there, not leaving, and you really really want him to leave so you can stand alone some more in the sun, so you blurt out that you'd be able to go the following evening. This satisfies him, so he high-fives you and leaves you by yourself.
Back at your desk, you laugh to yourself, thinking about how you have no intention of going to happy hour the next day. An hour later, though, and Giuseppe has begun to high-five you every time he passes your desk. Other co-workers have taken up the habit, and you are being barraged with high-fives.
Do you continue to reciprocate the high-fives? Or do you tell your co-workers to go fuck themselves?
5:30 finally arrives, and both of your hands are sore, your right hand from high-fiving everyone, and your left hand from slamming it a few times with your stapler when no one was looking. Giuseppe asks you one last time, as they are about to walk to the bar.
Do you cave in and join them? Or do you make up more excuses?
You tell them about some girl you have plans to see, a girl who is visiting from out of town. You say you plan to explore a bit, maybe ball up together somewhere comfortable. "Or maybe just ball her." The guys applaud your masculinity and leave, never realizing you were referring to Samus Aran.
That night you play Metroid until 1 AM. Your hands hurt the whole time.
********************************************************
You wake up the next day at 6 AM.
Do you get up, shower, dress and eat? Or do you sleep a little more?
It is 7:30 when you finally get Samus back to her ship to save your game. You skip the shower and just head to work, taking some Famous Amos cookies for the road.
The first half of your day is a breeze. Giuseppe isn't in today, so there have been no high-fives, and it looks like you are in the clear regarding happy hour. After lunch, though, Giuseppe shows up, as he had been a doctor's appointment that morning. He leans over your cubicle and reminds you about happy hour, saying how glad he is that you are coming.
Do you make up a new excuse? Or do you nod and smile?
You nod and smile. He pats you on the back, and says "See you at 5:30."
The time finally comes for you to make the trek down the road to some loud bar with people you don't really speak to. You don't know half of their names. As you enter the bar, Giuseppe asks you what you want to drink.
Do you tell him you've never had a beer before? Or do you play it cool?
"Whatever you're having," you say, blindly leaning on a stool to your right. Your weight spins the stool around, and that's when you realize someone is sitting in it. It is the girl who bumped into you the day before. She is wearing a very cute skirt, and looks prettier than you remember her being. You can kind of see up her skirt.
Do you excuse yourself and run home before the image escapes your mind? Or do you just stand there and do nothing?
You just stand there and do nothing, except breath awkwardly. She remembers you and offers you a seat next to her. Giuseppe comes back with your beer, and just places it in front of you, as he sees the situation you are in. He pats you on the back, and you and the girl talk. Her name is Bonita, which you find strange, as she is obviously Scandinavian, but you suspend your disbelief and surrender yourself to the power of suggestive names. After a good hour of talking, or listening to her talk, she asks if you'd like to see her apartment.
Do you go home with her? Or do you go home with her?
On arrival at her apartment, you begin to have a hard time breathing. You've never been alone with a woman, and you need time to adjust, so you excuse yourself and find the bathroom. She ends up following you in and molesting you. You begin to make out and disrobe. After a few minutes and a quick discussion, you realize that neither of you have a condom handy. This may be your only chance at this for a long time.
Do you trust in luck and go it condomless? Or do you try to improvise?
After scraping the last of the toothpaste from the tube, you realize that the plastic is probably harder than latex and would be painful. She has excused herself to her bed as you prepare. You feel a breeze come through her open bathroom window, and your clothes are lying there on the toilet lid.
Do you leave through the window? Or do you act like a man and tell her that this isn't happening tonight?
You leave through the window. And you steal her soap. The next day you tell everyone how many times you "sexed" her. Eleven.
The End
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