The 20 Video Game Commandments

These tenets are simply a nascent attempt at understanding the social discourse associated with video games. There will be more to come. No claims are made about the finality of this document. Like the study of history, it will never be complete. This does not stop me from trying to elucidate this phenomenon, however.

1: Know thy Controller: This rule had been orginally created by Vanderbilt, and actually acted as an impetus for this list. I believe he first created this rule back in 2003. It holds true today, as it did then. He owned a Gamecube at the time, we didn't. The controller was foreign to us, especially to Sony sell outs like R.W. McQuarters.

This rule's pertinence is relatively recent however. Back in the days of Nintendo there was no good reason to know thy controller, well unless you were using this. Presently, in the days of video game proliferation, it is indeed necessary to know thy controller, especially in games like Mario Party, where you have to actually press the corresponding buttons. Remember, looking at your controller is a faux pas.

2. System Loyalty: If you have switched brand loyalty at any time in your life, you are a scoundrel. In fact, you are a dirty knave, and I don't like you. For most of us this means Nintendo all the way. The way it should be. If you were given another system as a gift, or bought a system at a garage sale, you are exempt from this rule. Conflict of interest only comes into play when you actually spent your hard-earned money, or your parents, on garbage like the Sony or Microsoft machines. (Sega gets respect)

3. Know the Nintendo Racing Rule: I would like to credit this rule to my main man, Subin Thomas. It is through him that I conceptualize this rule. Okay, essentially we are dealing with computer assistance here, but if you use that term, seriously, you are automatically a nerd for life. (Note: This rule does not apply to Guardian Legend. I've spent years of my life trying to disprove this, but to no avail)

Simply stated, the Nintendo Racing Rule allows any player in second place to catch up to the person in first. Originally applied to either F-zero or Mario Kart, this rule holds true for all racing games, including racing mini games.

4. Always Read the Instruction Manual (it smells good): It is likely that when playing a game for the first time, your dickhead friend who knows how to play the game will do one of the following: a) Purposely tell you the wrong buttons to press or, more likely b) Leave out crucial aspects of game play. A great example of this is forgetting to tell your friends that you can use turbo in NBA Jam, or telling them to shoot three pointers with Kevin Johnson. Yeah, I know, in real life 'he could hit those,' but not in the video game. Barkley actually shoots better from the outside than him. So supplant your friend's efforts to be a dick and just read the instruction manual.

5. Never Use Codes, Unless You Are This Guy: Codes are cheap. When people lose they accuse you of using codes. I always was the code master. People were jealous. One time R.W> McQuarters came to my house, and for 10 minutes, he kept on saying, "C'mon Mcstevens, we goin' to look up codes on the ethernet, huh Mcstevens?" It was funny actually, I wish could be there right now. Oh yeah, someone's mom accused me of using codes once. It was humilating. At least I don't use the game genie for codes, my NES just won't work without it. So there!

6. Random Select: In any competition game in which you can select different teams or characters you must do random select, except in the case of tournaments or games for 'big apple bragging rights'.

7. Tournaments Rule!: Always tournament style. Always! Actually, Gizer won't even play video games without a tourney being involved. Tourney's make everything better. Vanderbilt is winning our Madden tourney right now, last played like 3 weeks ago. When Vanderbilt's brother was reached for comment regarding his brother's lead he exclaimed, "Yes! Keeping it in the family!"

8. Arcade Versions Used to be Different Than the Nintendo Versions: Oh brother! A little anecdote. I wanted Superman for some reason. The arcade game fucking rocked! However the NES game, though one of the more interesting games that came out for the system when it came to plot and dialogue, fucking sucked, especially when you were expecting the arcade version. Anyway, Ninja Turtles II the Arcade game was the first attempt to actually copy the Arcade version. It came with two extra levels and a coupon for a free pizza that I never used. Recently, I heard that Tekken five on PS2 came out before Arcade Tekken 5. Fucking travesty!

9. Know Thy Opponent: I don't wish to elaborate on this subject

10. Select? WTF?: What is the point of the select button? Really, can't you use the d-pad to go any direction you choose? Why do you need a button to select. It would have been so much better if there was an oral stimulation button. Even if it was just there and didn't do anything, it would be better than the select button.

11. Never Throw thy Conroller: There are assholes out there that throw their controllers after they lose. I hate these people. They deserve to die. Except him. Not only can your controller be damaged, but your pride as well. When you throw that controller down, you're like yeah I lost, but I hurt your controller. I've seen Vanderbilt cry when people hurt his controller. Not a pretty scene.

12. You Can Bring Your Own Controller...Sometimes!: It is nerd shit to bring your controller to other venues(people's parents' houses), except in two circumstances: a) there is a tournament involved, b) there is multi-tappage in play. Always write your initials on a piece of tape before going to your friend's basement, or this might happen(explicit).

13. The Pause Button is for Pussies: If you use that shit you are a straight up pussy. Back in the days of Tyson, you pissed when the game pissed and you shat when the game shat. You couldn't even call the Nintendo help line unless you were between rounds. I trained myself in this manner. You know how many shits I held in while in the arcade. You don't want to know. Now these people leave their systems on over night. Fucking amatuers. Holding shit in builds character!

14. Home Court is an Issue: Despite the fact that everyone may own the same system, home court is advantageous. For example, when playing in Raveen Shenoi's house, the smell might affect your gameplay. He was used to it, hence advantage Raveen. My house, you might think it is weird to hear my pops yelling every few seconds. I've lived with it my whole life, I win. The best place to have a tourney is neutral ground like at someone's house who has no friends. Like this guy.

15. Video Game and Hand Eye Coordination: See this article.

16. Video games vs. Pussy: Yo yo let me speak on this. ODELE! (odele) ARRIBA LA RAZA! (arriba la raza) WOLF PACK IS ROWDY ROWDY AND BOWDY BOWDY

This is a question that has intrigued men everywhere since the creation of Faceball. Do I try to accomplish something my life(i.e. beating a video game), or do I go after the hedonisitc pleasures, such as vagina? This question has haunted me for years. If you want to know how it's empirically demonstrated, ask Vanderbilt or other males of our age. As a virile young man, it is common to bitch about a lack of vagina, yet all we do is keep on playing video games. Actions speak louder than words. Videogames to save President Bush!

17. Video Game Eilitism is Allowed and Encouraged: Just a few comments. Nintendo is the best. All other systems are garbage. Games of the masses are automatically garbage. (a.k.a. Grand Theft Auto and Devil May Cry) If you own a game inspired by a movie you are a herb. If you sold your Super Nintendo to Funcoland so you could buy a useless accessory you are looked down upon. If you ever say anything resembling the statement 'new games are better than that old stuff,' you are worthless. Puzzle games are for smart people, not nerds. Super Pang rules, and if you don't know what that is you are stupid. If none of your games have the Nintendo seal of approval, you are worthless.

18. The older the game is, the more respect it gets: Except in the case of Mario 1,2, and 3. Mario 3 gets mad respect. So if you refer to Shinobi and you are talking about the PS2 version, get out of my face. If you say you just beat Ninja Gaiden and you are playing X-box, die slow. The experience of previous days involved arcade play, thus making it superior to today's gaming experience. If it ain't in cartridge form, it's wack. You will always get more respect for playing games in the past than the present. Nuff' said.

19. Rematches are always permitted: Regardless if you have work the next day, or you have a big test to study for, or if you are late for your wedding, rematches are always allowed. The rivalry cannot quell until both participants choose to end gameplay.

20. The Evan Heller Rule is Banned: At the 1993 Convention on Video Game Etiquette(CVGE93) hosted by Howard Lincoln, the reset button was banned from being used as a tactic to prevent defeat. Please, don't press the reset button during a game, or you will be breaking international law. You will probably have to deal with these guys.

The Final Rule is:

IF YOU FALL ASLEEP WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES YOU ARE MAYOR MC CHEESE