My Shitty Job

Honestly, folks, I am sick of my job. I've been doing it for years now, and with every passing day I hunger for a change. Try and think of the worst job in the world, the one job you wouldn't accept for all the gold in Ireland. Then, think worse. That's my job. I know what you're saying: "There can't be a job that bad." But there is. For, ladies and gentlemen, I, Vanderbilt Ignoble, am a toilet seat licker.

Again, I know what you're saying, probably out loud to your computer monitor: "That is not a job." It is. Allow me to explain how I came upon such an occupation. Once upon a time, I was a simple and honest investment banker, specializing mainly in douche futures. This was during the douche bubble of the early 90's, and, I must say, life was good. I had a top-of-the-line phonograph, and a Model-T with gold wheels and 6 cup holders. Suddenly, though, the bubble popped, spraying water and vinegar and whatever else is in douches(metaphorically, of course) in all directions, effectively cleansing my bank account. I had grown accustomed to my life of comfort, and needed to find a job that could suit my lifestyle.

The first job I took was on a lark. I saw an ad in the local Pennysaver which just read, "Do you like being tickled?" Who doesn't, I thought. I called the number, and before I knew it I was in a stranger's room, tied to a chair, my feet bare and a man dressed like the Green Lantern was tormenting me with a feather. There would be many more nights such as that one. Looking back, it's all such a blur. I do clearly remember the paychecks though, and the time I accidentally kicked Aquaman in the crotch. The money was good, but I wanted more. I would soon get it.

Word travels fast in the underground video world, and soon I learned of a new enterprise. It became clear that there was a very small, but very wealthy, niche market of men who fetishized other mustachioed men in bowler hats who licked the seats of toilets. I was approached mainly because I fit the part, and also because I had become very popular. I admit, I was a bit of a ham sometimes(my Patrick Duffy impressions were slightly over the top), but I ended up endearing myself to important people, which helped me down the path I would eventually follow. I did a lot of soul searching after I was offered this new "gig," as the kids say, but in the end I took it. I knew it would be lucrative. But there was a lot I did not know.

The first time wasn't so bad. The seat was newly cleaned, and I've always enjoyed the taste of bleach. But soon enough, our customers became very demanding, and before I knew it I was dealing with "the hazards" of the business. A drop would appear here, a hair or two would be hanging around there, and I dealt with it because of the sweet paycheck. Before long everything I ate tasted like pubes. It still does to this day.

When I say this is the worst job in the world, I say so hesitantly. No doubt, there were good times. How else would I have been able to visit Graceland and kneel before the King's throne, the same one on which he expelled and expired? The bad times outweighed the good, though. I won't go into details, but I will never look at Jared from Subway the same way again.

Do I regret my choice? Yes, I do. Very much. Jesus, I've spent 10 years of my life licking toilet seats. What the hell is wrong with me? My friends and family still think I trade douche stocks, which is why I have written this confession. I need to come clean and change my life. So, please, if you have any job offers, please don't hesitate to leave them in the comments section. If not, here's hoping for a new douche bubble.