Thanksgiving is the most special-est day of the year, when we all get together with our families, pray to the Turkey God, then eat a symbolic Turkey God which is stuffed with gifts. Here is what I'm asking good ol' TG for this year:
1) Carbon monoxide detector - Everyone knows that the way to Turkey God's heart is through practicality. You have to soften him up by asking for something useful and necessary, then you can get all the useless shit you want. Carbon monoxide is a silent, invisible killer, much like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man, or Bryton McClure. These detectors save lives, and are also great places to keep spare batteries for your remote control.
2) Porn - The great thing about Thanksgiving is that it is secular. That means there are no religious moral judgements on your requests. Try asking Santa for Dirty Debutantes #1,769,888. First of all, he'll probably move your name onto the 'naughty' list(the bastard!), and second, you'll end up with HJ Honeys Vol. 8 in your stocking, which you already have. Santa knows shit about porn!
3) A Pony - Who wouldn't want a pony, especially with these high gas prices? Also, chicks dig a good pony. I realize that even Turkey God couldn't fit one into a turkey, so a test tube with a pony embryo in it would be fine.
4) A humorous tie - I wish for this every year. Turkey God has a great sense of humor, and he never fails to come through for me. Last year, the tie I got depicted a hockey player shooting wide of the goal as time ran out in overtime. The bottom read in big letters: "IT'S A TIE!" A little outdated now, but still classic.
5) Scratch-off lottery tickets - I love these things. They kill time, smell really good, make pennies useful for a change(pun intended), and sometimes you might actually win a dollar. My favorites are Bingo, because it takes half an hour, and Cashword, because that's when my BA in English comes in handy. I have the best scratching vocabulary of anyone I know.
I also try to ask for a couple of intangible gifts every year. This year:
1) The perserverence to finish something, whether it's my children's novel about the Hindu statuette that comes alive when placed in a magical bureau, or my screenplay about art-school waitresses who are also private investigators and surfing champions. I just want to be able to hold something complete in my hand for once, and be able to give it to my mom so she can put it on the fridge.
2) A friend.
Anyone else asking for anything interesting?
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2 comments:
tonite i'm going to have a nightmare involving a pony embryo in a test tube. it's one of those things you just know.
DUDE!
we are going to Hollywood and going to sell that screen play.
I suggest however that the women are aerobic instructors, life guards, or just plain old prostitutes. Well... prostitutes who don't 'get down'
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