I thought I'd lend some people a hand by bringing my expert football knowledge to this week's games.
Green Bay(+9 1/2) at Atlanta - Michael Vick will be injured in the 2nd quarter and will be replaced by Ron Mexico, who looks oddly like Vick, but wears a sombrero. He will throw for 300 yards and give Brett Favre herpes. Falcons fail to cover.
Kansas City(+2 1/2) at Buffalo - With Priest Holmes out, Larry Johnson will have to carry the Chiefs. He will don his classic Grandmama outfit, and with Urkel as his lead blocker, will run all over the Bills' injured defense. KC by 10.
NY Jets(+9) at Carolina - Vinny Testaverde will hogtie Brooks Bollinger before the game and take his uniform, so he can start just one more game. Jake Delhomme will find Bollinger, and the two will cook up a zany scheme to get back Bollinger's jersey in which Herm Edwards wears a monocle and Vinny T. ends up drinking pee. Carolina covers.
San Francisco(+13) at Chicago - Instead of a coinflip, Muhsin Muhammad and Brandon Lloyd will arm wrestle for possession. Muhsin will go over the top, securing the ball and a Bears victory by 7.
Denver at Oakland(+3) - The five yard bump will take on a new meaning between Champ Bailey and Randy Moss. Look for hot man-on-man action on the 50-yard line, and a clean-shaven Jake Plummer looking flustered. Denver by a TD.
Arizona(+4) at Detroit - There's only one way for this game to end: Kurt Warner taking a dump in the endzone after sneaking in the winning touchdown. Cardinals by 3.
Houston(+18) at Indianapolis - The Colts will almost fail to cover the spread when Marvin Harrison catches the ball and refuses to give it back, then starts crying about how his fantasy value has fallen. Peyton feels his pain. Colts by 7,350.
Baltimore(+7) at Jacksonville - Byron Leftwich and his brother Willis got nothing but their jeans, but thats all they need against pedophile bicycle shop owner Kyle Boller. Jaguars by 6.
New England at Miami(+3) - Adam Vinatieri will melt during a 4th quarter field goal, shanking the ball right. He will seep into the ground and enter the water supply, and will enter the bodies of thousands of senior citizens and Cubans, thus becoming part of the Circle of Life. It won't matter much, though, since the Pats will be up by 14 by then, because Tom Brady get pissed.
Minnesota(+9 1/2) at NY Giants - Brad Johnson will eat a huge egg sandwich before the game, dangerously huge, and will have the bird flu by halftime. Eli and Plaxico will play Operation on the sideline. Giants by 17.
Cleveland(+8) at Pittsburgh - Trent Dilfer will show his versatility by successfully executing the the Statue of Liberty play a record 10 times. Steelers are upset by 3, and the Browns display why their name is what it is. The visitor's bathroom at Heinz field will never be the same again.
St. Louis(+7) at Seattle - Mark Bulger and Matt Hasselbeck will get into a literal pissing contest at halftime. Hasselbeck will fill a Gatorade bottle, one of the big ones, and Bulger will hang his head in defeat. Seahawks by 10.
Washington at Tampa Bay(+1 1/2) - Native Americans will be on hand to protest this game, as will the pirates who attacked that cruise ship last week. They will join efforts, and learn to love each other, as will the two opposing teams. This time, everyone wins!
Dallas(+3) at Philadelphia - The night before, Donovan Mcnabb will tape an episode of Queer Eye and by deemed 'McFab.' Drew Bledsoe will be more manly, and will spend Sunday chewing tobacco, drinking beer, and banging strippers. No contest. Cowboys by a TD.
Hope this has been helpful!
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3 comments:
made my day a little brighter!
Could you make this a weekly installment?
I could try. But with 7 weeks left in the season, that's about 98 more poop jokes I have to come up with. And then the playoffs!
You should try to focus on what the teams are doing with thier bye week. I'm sure the chargers will be spending the day at the aquarium. I heard that Brees helps feed the penguins when he's free. I would be such a hoot to watch as Tomlinson gets the beat down from the security because he walked out of the gift shop without paying for his squeeky rubber killer whale toy. That man and his squeeky toys.
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