A few words about Jake 'Flash' Gordon

Jake was born some time during the early to mid 70's in either Wisconsin or Kansas City. I am not exactly sure of answers to questions pertaining to when or where. He does have an Aunt in Kansas City, so it's fair to assume that some of his family is from there. Since Flash has no friends or family in Wisconsin(they all abandoned him?), he must approximately make an eight hour commute for every day his apartment is fumigated. Now, I don't know often his domicile is infested, but an eight hour commute is pretty harsh.

Fortunately, Flash does not need as much sleep as a normal person. He attributes his sleeping behavior to the abuse of coffee. However, this just does not cut it for me. Personally, I think he has a metabolism problem. He once said, "I need a full ten minutes of sleep every night. If I get seven or eight, I get pretty grouchy". Wow, that's amazing. The fact that he would make an eight hour commute from Kansas City for exactly ten minutes of sleep to work under the more-anal-than-you-think Frank Lambert bewilders me. Either he loves his aunt, he is getting road head on the way there and back (for the whole time), or most likely he's a retard.

Abandonment issues guide Flash's attempts at social interaction. First of all, it is evident from his behavior around Frank and Carol that he has never talked to anyone ever. He comes over pretty late one night to tell Frank that he will be late the next day as a result of his commute. Given Flash's course of action we must posit a couple of questions: Did he just find out that day that his apartment was being fumigated? If not, why couldn't he have told Frank at work that day? Well, maybe he solidified his plans to commute from Kansas City that night. More likely, it is possible that he just wanted to bother Frank on a Sunday, which is even more of an egregious social faux pas. Even given that this day was a Sunday, Flash's appearance at the Lamberts still doesn't make sense. Why didn't he use a fucking phone? He could have left a message. If you are going to miss work the next day you don't want to talk to your boss in person. If he disagrees with your absence, it could be socially awkward. However, Flash seems to lack an understanding of awkward.

Ok, Flash goes to the Lambert's house to alert them of his more-than-likely lateness. Instead of using the front door like a normal person, he goes around the back and startles Frank and his wife who are making out in Frank's pick-up truck. Of course, Flash means no harm, but he is cockblocking Frank anyway. However, Flash is no abberation to the individuals who reside in the Step by Step universe. Just about everyone on the show has participated in this action, including the baby, a rat, his mother, and probably an alien. Anyways, Flash sees Frank trying to do his thing, and knocks on the window. Understandably, Frank is upset, and asks Flash if his query can wait. Perhaps until he has gotten his nut off. Flash doesn't really understand what's going on, probably because he's never touched a woman, and waits for them, or should I say Frank, to finish. Since sticking your piece in furney(having sex) is an intimate action, people don't like doing it in front of other individuals, especially guys like Flash. This simple truth explains why Frank is annoyed at Flash for not leaving the space directly outside the car window. He does turn his head though, which should be good enough for a retard like Flash. Perhaps, he doesn't leave because he is afraid that Frank will forget about him. It is evident that not only have strangers and acquaintances ditched him, but his family as well, which is absent from the Midwest! Wait, didn't Urkel's parents move to Russia to get away from him? Carol is out of the mood now, so Frank has to walk around with blue balls. He's pissed!

As a result of Carol's housewife hospitality, the sexually frustrated couple reluctantly invites Flash into their home. Flash is overjoyed that he has been invited into someone's home. He has early Urkel syndrome. Apparently, no one has ever invited him into their home. Even though Frank is obviously being a dick, Flash takes his territorial overtures as love. Remember when I said that he has an abandonment complex? Well, it's about to manifest itself once again. Seeing Carol's spacious and rather plain kitchen facilitates a seemingly heartfelt soliloquy, in which he sucks the kitchen's dick. As payment for being invited into someone's home, Flash feels as if he must make them feel stupendous about themselves. Unfortunately, everyone but Flash can see this and thinks he's pathetic. Flash doesn't care though. He will say later on in Disney World, "Flash Gordon never backs down from a challenge. Let's do it!".

In this speech, he remarks on the intangible qualities of the kitchen. Essentially, sentimental garbage spews from his pie hole in an attempt to repay the Foster's for acknowledging his existence. He actually calls the kitchen, "American as apple pie". Like the statement, 'freedom isn't free', Flash's words mean nothing. His words provide insight into another of Flash's primary values: A love of America permeates Flash's being. His patriotic side will manifest itself in Disney World.

Since Carol has some kind of morality she actually invites Flash to stay for the night. It is odd that she feels guilt about this guy having to drive a few hours to get home, but feels none about her children being a pack of nerds and airheads. She justifies her decision by stating that it would be a far greater crime to have this deranged bastard behind the wheel of a car. Obviously, no one has ever invited Flash to stay at their house for the night. Needless to say, he explodes with joy. He must be thinking that these people must actually like him. He is exuberant about his oppurtunity to impress the Lamberts. These people are his new family. They won't abandon him like Mom and Dad. He quickly runs out to his car to grab his gear. Frank is wary of his guest and ponders about what he might bring into house. In an attempt at using a literary device, Frank refers to Flash as a tazmanian devil.

Carol: C'mon Frank, What could he have? A sleeping bag? A suit case?

CUE THE BAGPIPES!

Yes, Flash is retarded. He has no social couth. Not only is it late on a Sunday night, but he is a guest in someone's home for the first time. Frank is also obviously agitated by this inconvenience, so what does Flash do? He plays the bag pipes, and brother, there ain't no soft way to play the bag pipes. Why would he do this? Is he celebrating? Is he trying to impress the Lamberts? Or is he just retarded?

Later on in life(a few days later?) Flash learns from his mistakes. Or at least he thinks he does. Somehow, Frank and Carol are in the basement of their home riding a mechanical bull named 'Rolling Thunder.' It's not important why, but the bull is out of control. Frank and Carol are hanging on for dear life. It is obvious that they are collectively trying to shut down this machine. Cue Jake 'Flash' Gordon. He gets flustered when he sees this. Something about what they are doing is sexual in nature to him. They are not touching, they have all their clothes on, they are being perceivably hurt by a mechanical bull, but Flash thinks they are going to eventually have sex. He knows nothing of sex because he's never touched a girl, interacted with people, or been in someone else's house. Obviously he has never watched porno either. He goes to leave so he won't inconvenience his gracious hosts. About five seconds later he comes back down and unplugs the device. Wow, what a fucking retard.

To be continued....