Shitface McStevens picks the NFL's BUM

I hope I can honor Vanderbilt's memory with my picks....

New England (+3) at Kansas City

Larry Johnson is constantly pissed off. He is never content. Within the first two minutes of the game he will have make the decimated New England defense contemplate why they 'got in the game'. Despite Tom Brady's enthusiasm, and the abundance of saliva on his cock, he will throw a couple of interceptions to a pretty shitty Kansas City defense. The Cheifs will be ruling, (and winning the gold) so badly, that they will activate former pro bowler Christian Okoye. His hitting power will be immense. Sorry Bski, go back to the hospital. Cheifs by 10.

Baltimore (+9) at Cincinnati

After losing to the Colts last week, Rudi took a doodie one that did not smell fruity, but kind of like Tootie. Carson Palmer contemplated joining the marine core in order to fight the evil forces of Cobra. He was slightly misinformed by the master of the cobra clutch. You see, part of Slaughter's plan was to get someone who could throw grenades really fast and really accurate. He had Lady Jay convince Carson to join the Slaughter House, which is located somewhere in the middle of the desert. Right about now his teammates are getting worried. A team consisting of Delta O'Neal, T.J. Hush, Rudi Johnson, and Chad Johnson, will infiltrate the Slaughter House. Using Slaughter's we all go home or no one goes home attitude against him, The team will successfully rescue Carson. At first he won't want to go, but then after a little convincing he will follow. They will get back just in time for the game. Chester Taylor will run all over the Bengal's defense receiving a boost from a victory of the Steelers. The Cincy offense will be tired, and a still pretty good Ravens D will prevail. Ravens by 3.

Carolina at (+4) Buffalo.

Home of the beef on weck sandwich, the buffalo wing, and former gateway to the Erie canal, Buffalo is a city in decline; economically and physically. Not only has the built environment been suffering, but people are physically leaving at significant rates. Though the population and human capital investments of the region have been declining, (mostly due to white flight to the suburbs and elsewhere) there has been a significant influx of Blacks and Latinos into the region. Puerto Ricans largely comprise the Latino constituent of the city. Their socio economic status is unusually low despite the relatively low standard of living in the region. They are even poorer than Blacks in the area, which contradicts previous social science research.
Basically, Buffalo fucking sucks in more ways than one. Carolina is not happy about losing to the Bears. Carolina by 13.

Chicago (+3) at Tampa Bay

When will the Bears get respect. Honestly, no one scores against them. Steve Smizer had mad yards last week, but couldn't get in the end zone. Chris 'I lack heart' Simms, will be punished by this D. The Caddy is not batty. (Though LDP is) He had a good week against a poor Atlanta defense, but he will be brought down to Earth. Brian Urlacher will prove he is Optimus prime, when he takes down the whole Tamba Bay offense line down with his left forearm. Tampa bay will try to run the 'train' but get smacked in the helmet for disrespecting woman. Mohammed will really want to score a TD to do his stupid JR Rider wannabe dance, however he will have a poor fantasy outing. Bears by 6

San Diego at (+3) Washington

Recently at an outing to Las Vegas, former San Diego wide receiver Quinn Early and current Washington receiver Santasimo Moss were hanging out in Las Vegas. They found themselves in the Sahara Hotel and Casino. They were chilling playing some three card poker, and felt the need to eat something. Quinn suggested they eat at the 'HOUSE OF LORDS'. Santana has never been the same since. Fortunately, Clinton Portis will have a monster game, and Drew Brees will come back down to Earth in a hurry. Washington by 3.

Clevland (+4 1/2) at Minnesota

Don't get it twisted. Minnesota is garbage. Brad Johnson has no cock. I've already scientifically proven Nate Burleson has no asshole. Mike Tice is a knee less hermaphrodite. Mewlde Moore however, is pretty. That gives them a chance, but still; DRONES (I like this spelling). Minnesota cannot stop; DRONES. Nothing can stop the 'the animal', 'the animal'. Look for a good game from Trent Dilfer. He has been known to throw some decent passes in Binghamton, New York. They also shutout Miami. Did I mention Nate 'the great's' asshole fell out. Clevland by seven.

San Francisco (+7 1/2) at Tennessee

The battle for Cream of the Crap. See crap is bad right. But somehow the cream of the crap is actually better than the crap. Thus you want to be the cream of the crap over crap. Chris Brown is a forgotten warrior, (Nightwolf). He will use his animality to rip the San Fran defense to shreds. KEVAN Barlow rules. He will use his ruling power to have a 100 yard game. Unfortunately, this will not be enough to conquer the child molesters from Tennessee. Let's go with Tennessee by 3.

St. Louis at (+4) Houston

I think Jamie Martin looks like one of the members of this Blog. While Marc Bulger is receiving brains from Jamie Martin's sister, Steven Jackson will run wild on Houston. To boost moral for the team, Dom Capers forced the team to spend three days at the strip club instead of practicing. Dominick Davis went to get a private dance and never returned. St. Louis by 10.

Jacksonville at (+3) Arizona SHITFACE MCSTEVEN's UPSET OF THE WEEK

Apparently, as proven by his performance last week, Kurt Warner has finally taken a dump. I gave him the fiber one and he finally came through (na mean). Also, we must take into account, that by beating a team you get its powers. Larry Fitzgeazy will use this ability to Ram the Jacksonville defense. Jacksonville plays down to its opponents. Plus, is Jacksonville even a secondary city? SHIIIIT, I'd call it a tertiary city. Arizona by 3

Miami(+7) at Oakland SHITFACE STEVEN's LOCK OF THE WEEK

Ricky will not smoke the Chronic. David Boston will travel to L.A. and go to Venice Beach. He will lose track of the game, but it won't matter cause Nick Saban is a wuss. The Miami D will get shit on by Randy while contemplating the thought that he might be related in someway to the He-man character Moss Man. After being shutdown last week Lamont Jordon will be pissed and play smash mouth football. He will prove how junior Junior Seau really is. Who's Miami's Quarterback again? Who ever he is, Warren will Sapp his energy away. The Browns shut this team out for God's sake. Oakland by 10.

Giants (+4 1/2) at Seattle.

Man! He couldn't even keep Felicia, after this verse you goin to need propecia. Joe Jeravizzle will show the world why the Giants should be sorry for letting him go. He'll score a couple. Hasselback will have a wonderful day, cause the Giants D will spend all their time trying to stop Alexander. Sean Springs is gone, remember? You know what that means. (arm wrestling arcade game sounds) PLAXICO PLAXICO PLAXICO PLAXICO. David Tyree will travel underground on the last play of the game and grab Alexander's foot. He'll tell him to rest in pieces. He won't, but he will fumble. Also, Matt's game will be thrown off when Tim takes his favorite Ninja Turtle (Raphael), and rips his head off. Only nerds like Raph by the way. Shockey will be pissed. He will get the ball. Giants by one.

Greenbay (+4 1/2) at Philadelphia SHITFACE MCSTEVEN's DON'T WATCH THIS GAME OF THE WEEK

Another cream of the crap game. Philly is playing for pride at this point, and Brett Farve is starting to lose his 'untouchable' qualities. He'll try to force it in to many times like when he tried to stick it to his deceased brother. Had to get that one in. Double D could break his neck again. Gado is the man though. McMahon will watch too many episodes of Mr. Show and end up quitting the biz inorder to destroy the moon. This will leave the Eagles with Detmer. He won't play it coy. Westbrizzle will fuck shizer up. Geese will shit on everyone's heads to prove to the world that they are watching crap. Mr. Owens will hysterically laugh as L.J. Smith follows the footsteps of Nate Burlson. His asshole will fallout as well. Somehow Farve will keep it close (badly), while getting Saliva spit on his pipe from announcers such as Joe Buck. Pick em! Who cares?

New Orelans at (+1 1/2) Jets ALSO KNOWN AS Shitfest 05'

Wow, how is it possible to be an underdog at home against the Saints. You gotta suck really badly. The Jets are absolutely horrendous. Worse than when Rich K. Coached them. I love it. The fans will really wanna win. Considering this will be their last opportunity to win for the year, Herm will get his plays from a unknown source. It will be later revealed that this mystery play caller is none other than Kermit T. Frog. Unfortunately, two things will prevent the Jets from winning. One: Herm Edwards will fail to motivate the team. At half time with a three point lead he will tell the Jets that inorder to play football they must run. He will then proceed to tell them, in order to do this, they will have to move their feet. Though it will go over the head of Bollinger, who is mentally retarded from being hit so hard, Curtis 'the man' Martin will be offended. He will think that the coach is fucking with him and mentally remove himself from the game, killing the only descent part of this shitty squad. Two: Papa Shango will make a comeback and play linebacker for the Saints in the second half. He will make the makeshift Jets offensive line sick. They will throw up and get dehydrated. Boo hoo. Joe Heazy will finally get his grove back after he pulls off the annexation of Puerto Rico on Ty Law. Saints by 10.

Pittsburgh (+7 1/2) at Indianapolis

I wish I gave a shit. Peyton's throwing hand will be chaffed from chronic masturbation. He will not throw the ball effectively. However, Edge will rip shit as usual. Stokely might even have a catch or two. Big Ben will prey with the Hulkster before the game. He will be in the second step of the the three step drop in the middle of the game and he will think 'shit I forgot to eat my vitamins'. As he has this revelation, Dwight Freeny will knock him out of this atmosphere. After fumbling the ball, Dwayne S the former Nets player will join forces with the late Yinka Dare and lead the Colts to victory. Indy by 3.